Tao Lee, English Tutor

 

We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes,

but the plural of ox became oxen, not oxes.

One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,

yet the plural of moose should never be meese.

You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice,

yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.

 

If the plural of man is always called men,

why shouldn't the plural of pan be therefore called pen?

If I spoke of my foot and show you my feet,

and I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?

If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,

why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?

 

Then one may be that, and three would be those,

yet hat in the plural would never be hose,

and the plural of cat is cats, and not cose.

We speak of a brother and also of brethren,

but though we say mother, we never say methren.

Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,

but imagine the feminine, she, shis and shim.

 

Let's face it - English is a crazy language.

There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger;

neither apple nor pine in pineapple.

English muffins weren't invented in England.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes,

we find that quicksand works slowly, boxing rings are square,

and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

 

And why is it that writers write, but fingers don't fing,

grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?

Does it not seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend?

If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one, is it an odd or is it an end?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?

If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

 

Sometimes I think all folk who grew up speaking English should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.

In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?

We ship by truck, but send cargo by ship.

We have noses that run and feet that smell.

And how can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same,

while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

 

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which:

your house can burn up as it burns down,

in which you fill in a form by filling it out,

and in which an alarm goes off by going on.

So if Father is Pop, how come Mother isn't Mop?

And that is just the beginning  - even though this is the end

 

Words with a Capital letter inside the whole word are Western proper names; these are not verbs or adjectives.

It was necessary years ago, when the population began to expand, to give last names to individuals. They had colorful names like "John who makes barrels" which was burdensome. Or "John's son who makes barrels."

A barrel maker is called a cooper so soon the word Cooper became a last name. Prior to this time the only people who had defined names were public figures, like the king and his ministers.

Consequently many names in European languages are combinations of 2 words. McDonald means "son of" Donald. In French you may find the last name LaFrenz, which means "the frenchman" or sometimes "the German" (as they were one great territory at one time.)

In Italian there is the last name DeLuca which is a combination of 2 words "De" meaning "from" or "of" and "Luca" which comes from the word "light." Modern last names often drop the capital letter in the middle of the word; others do not. Many last names identified a region, such as DeRoma, meaning a person living in or coming from Rome, Italy.

Some last names put these qualifying words at the end of the name such as Johnson which is a combination of "John’s" and "son." This is perhaps the most common combination in America. In Russia they add "ina" to the end of a proper name to mean "the wife of." So the man’s last name would be Karen and the wife’s last name would be Karenina. It is also common to find "Mac" in MacDonald as a last name but it means the same thing as "Mc."

In addition in Britain there is the use of "Fitz" in name which means the "illegitimate" son of someone, but most people do not know that. Last names like Fitzgerald and Fitzsimmons are common and these people probably do not have a clue as to the original meaning.

In Hebrew "Ben" means "son" and is occasionally added to the beginning of the name. A recent (1950's) great leader in Israel’s last name was Ben Gurion but the Jews often separate the 2 words rather than writing the names together.

I cannot think of a single English word that has a capital letter inside the word which is not also a proper name, although one may come to mind.

 

 

My first job was working in an orange juice factory,

but I got canned, couldn't concentrate.

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack,

I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.

After that I tried to be a tailor, I wasn't suited

for it, mainly because it was a so-so job.

Next I tried working in a muffler factory

but that was too exhausting.

Then I tried to be a chef, figured it would

add a little spice to my life,

but I just didn't have the thyme.

I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way

I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.

My best job was being a musician,

but eventually they told me I wasn't noteworthy.

I studied a long time to become a doctor,

but I didn't have any patience.

Next was a job in a shoe factory,

I tried but I just didn't fit in.

I became a professional fisherman, and

discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.

I managed to get a good job working for a pool

maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.

So then I got a job in a workout center,

until they said I wasn't fit for the job.

After many years of trying to find steady work

I finally got a job as a historian, then

I realized there was no future in it.

I could have been a Violinist,

but found I'm too high-strung.

A Bowler, but it's not up my alley,

A Magician, but the urge vanished,

A Librarian, but I shelved the idea,

A Plumber, but it was only a pipe-dream.

My last job was working at Starbucks, I had to

quit because it was always the same old grind.

SO I RETIRED AND FOUND I AM PERFECT FOR THE JOB.

 

There are on line sites for the slang meanings of words.  For example, in slang "to be canned " means "to be fired."

 

The Chinese Personality: A Certain Sadness and A Coming War

It is probably no stretch to say that China, besides being the largest society in the world is also the best educated. Every spring millions of Chinese young people endure sadistic university examinations so stressful that suicide is common. One half million young people take their own lives every year. And they memorize, and memorize and memorize. They know the entire number sequence for Pi, English text reading better than our graduates, English grammar better than almost anybody who speaks it. They know calculus, computer engineering, and foreign languages. They know Chinese history. And individual Chinese can and do create small businesses and stunning art all alone, out of the view of the political systems.

But, and this is key, they also know that there are enormous amounts of knowledge that they don’t know. And because they know that they don’t know it - whatever it is - there is a certain sadness. College juniors we met did not know that 200 miles to the east there is Korea, certainly a major player in Chinese modern affairs. They do not know who Michael Jordan is, or Babe Ruth. They don’t know what a Baby Ruth is either. They are cut off from information about their fellow man and finally they are cut off from creativity. You cannot memorize creativity. You can’t import it and you can’t steal it.

You can steal technology though. Large numbers of Chinese infiltrate the USA to steal technical information or better still, you stay at home and reverse engineer foreign technology. (The Lenovo computer is terrific. You will recognize it if you ever use one.)

China is planning a war against the USA. It is not a secret, but we being Americans and not having a certain or even an uncertain sadness, pay it no mind. We have always ignored our self-advertised enemies. But it is common in oriental societies to advise your enemy that you plan to attack. The idea is that you give your enemy a chance to negociate.

Washington knows this and books aplenty are now being written. China is stockpiling armament and she has FIVE TIMES the fighting force.  But Americans are a different lot. They negociate, and argue, and stall and then finally, blue-red in the face, they sigh resignedly and gird up their loins for a fight.  President Franklin Roosevelt said it best. "Americans are slow to wroth."

Why would China bother itself with this? The Chi-Coms as the Chinese Communists are called, already have everything they need for a strong and viable society, yet they can’t understand why they don’t have it. If we beat America we will have "it" they think.

But creativity is never part if the spoils of war. Creativity invents, it manages people, it plans long-range, it encourages more creativity and it is never memorized, or stolen. Creativity comes from free societies acting in concert or competition with itself and others. Creativity has to be free to be itself. It can never be dominated or controlled or it dies.

China has lived with dictatorship for most of its 4,000 years. The Chinese point to their long history. They brag about being the oldest continuous society on earth - but age is not a barometer of success. Success is!

To be successful you must change and grow. War by its very definition destroys; peace builds, peace brings profits, peace regenerates itself. Peace encourages creativity and individualism, and out of individualism comes more peace, more progress and success. Yes, it is no secret that America has much more system than education, but somehow, some way every generation seems to get some educated and move on from there, from a lone Bill Gates changing the face of international business to stunning musical talent of virtually unknown American Idols. It is all the product of peace, not war.

China needs to learn that. If she did, she would not war. THAT they could possibly memorize.

Fortunately the USA does not have a multiplicity of political parties as so many republics do.  The following was a response to a question about the use of the word "Cavaliers" to describe American southerners in the 19th century.

For all my background in history I have never heard of southerners described as Calvaiers but there is truth in the fact that political divisions do fall into primarily 2 categories, now represented by the Republicans and the Democrats. Originally they had other names, such as Whigs, Loyalists, etc. But you know labels- they tend to shift. For example, today many liberals prefer the label Progressives, but that term was popularized by Teddy Roosevelt (early 20th c.) and there is really no comparsion. Teddy, for example, was very much pro-military and modern progressives are not. It is possible the liberals got tired of that label.

The original Republicans were federalists, those who wanted a strong central government. John Adams, 2nd President, was a federalist. One of the reasons for this was the slow collapse of the states acting individually after the American Revolution, hence the Constitution to save the union.

The Democrats were mostly famers, wedded to the land, not caring for city ways. That was personified by Thomas Jefferson, 3rd President, who never pictured the country being anything but agricultural. At the time of World War II 97% of the people were farmers, 3% city. By the end of the 20th century 3% were farming and 97% were urban or suburban. Quite a switch.

At that time (200 years ago) the Democrats were wedded to states’ rights and the government butting out of personal affairs, esp. slavery of course. The Republicans wanted many national functions, like the bank, to be centrally controlled, and the original Republican Party was gathered out of a number of factions involving slavery and the impending war.

It is an interesting twist of fate but the roles now seem to be reversed. The modern Democrats want more and more government control and programs, the Republicans less and less. Of course there is the block in the middle, moderates of both parties, who want a concensus. Unfortuantely in my opinion, gerrymandering Congressional districts prevents the public from getting good and valid representation, creating a situation of more confrontational politics.

Now about Cavaliers - sorry again I do not know the term. Perhaps it was a term of mild contempt. Certainly the Southern plantation owners were given to putting on airs! But the common man was not a part of that. The novel Cold Mountain (not the movie) brought out what the simple farmer really thought about fighting the Civil War for the right of a white planter to have slaves.

In Chinese the word "shi" means 4 things depending on the tonal accent. In all cases this same word could refer to the person or work of Jesus.

Shi = to be – the Great I Am

Shi = the stone – The Rock of Ages, the one the builders rejected

Shi = Yes – He is yes and amen

Shi = city – The New Jerusalem, his body the bride

Furthermore I found the same kind of pattern in the word for Mongol. Although we have some Mongolian Bibles with us we have only given out one to a single Mongolian family. Of course, they can build a church on that.

The word Mongol is believed to come from two possible routes. Both of these routes illustrate homousias.

To wit:

The first meaning – "River Man" – There is a river of life i.e. both spiritual and literal human life. This one can refer to Jesus as truly a man from whom life originates. By Him all things were created and hold together and by his sacrifice the river of life comes to us. In addition of course He is the Water of life.

The second meaning – True Essence. Well that is exactly what the Greek says; He is the true essence of the Father. I do not see how one can improve on this.

Interestingly enough, many of the Chinese characters look as though they were drawn by Hebrews. The pictograph for a single day is the night and the day on top of each other – in other words "It was morning and evening, the first Day."

All missionaries should believe that God precedes them, in some way, into the field. It is more than prevenient grace, which is a good concept, but more real to me is the fact that all men have within them the capacity to understand the True God, be it by custom, religion, however bastardized, or so often language. I was taught that by you’all there and I see it in process. My Chinese tutor received the New Testament and said, "Oh - I understand this is an important book." OOO boy - little does he know, but God will follow up on what He has put in his heart.

 

cscree@charter.net; Chifeng City, Inner Mongolia, China